Vanya & Sonia & Masha & Spike

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The ad above fell into my hands, and I-hapless victim of false advertising-immediately thought, “Finally! A play about a woman and the man she shrinks and then forces to live in a tiny dollhouse and then she uses him as her plaything every night and every day and every morning and she has her friends Vanya and Masha over and they share him and he cries out in pain and humilliation but he really loves it and they live happily ever after!”

But, no.

The play is not about that.

Bummer.

Lost at sea?

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A cool glitch?

I enjoy looking at my visitors’ data, namely countries and pages they visit. It still puzzles me to no end that one of the most visited pages has to do with my crushing a cricket. Sickos.🙂

When I gawked at my most recent visitors’ world map, I saw the above image. It brought forth the image of someone struggling to stay afloat after having gone overboard,  yet considerate enough to Visit the Undersquid while waiting for a rescue party.

Don’t you worry, little guy! I’m coming.

I was shopping at Walmart…

Perfect for him.

Perfect for him.

…And I spotted a box of 20 wooden clothespins. Perfect for a two-foot-tall little guy during laundry day, no? Their true function is that of paper clips. I think I used one once, and added the rest to the pile of Walmart things I never use. That’s not true: I don’t have a pile of Walmart things I never use, and the clothespins are in a wooden box I use to store pens and staples and paper clips. The contents of said box have changed very little in the last twenty years, given that “pens” and “staplers” and “paper” are objects I seldom use nowadays.

That’s not true: I used a pen this morning. I used it to write on a return form enclosed in a box that also contained shoes too uncomfortable to keep. I didn’t staple the box shut, or closed its cardboard flaps shut with mini clothespins. I used mailing tape. I’m not crazy.

That’s not true: I am crazy. I do have a pile of things I never use. It includes VHS tapes, Christmas decorations, fabric notions, a Jar Jar Binks blanket, and other things I will soon “purge”. I can’t be classified as a hoarder yet, but the pile will try to convince you otherwise. And I’m never getting rid of that Jar Jar Binks blanket.

 

The guy that works at Family Video

Outlander 2014I’m not saying you spend every minute of every day thinking about this stuff, but there are some environmental factors you can’t help. Someone you see at work, or your spouse’s best friend, or that hottie behind the counter. Real people. In my case, one of those real persons is that one guy that works at Family Video. No, not the gay blonde. The other one. The tall drink of water, with the dreamy brown hair, and eyes the color of… hmm, I think they are brown. And he always wears plaid. No, not Outlander style, with the muscular thighs and the amazing six pack, but dorky style, with ill-fitting shirts and baggy pants. Wait, did I mention this guy, My Guy, the Family Video guy, is not particularly hot?

Well, he isn’t. He isn’t even my type, whatever the hell that is this week. He’s 6’5″ ft tall; his legs are long, scrawny sticks (and legs are a deal breaker for me, ladies and bugs); his “beard” is a collection of sad pubes struggling to emerge; his arms are lost inside the ever prevalent cascade of plaid that is his preferred style of fashion; his face is nothing I ever found memorable. But he’s an Environmental Factor, by god. The guy is in my head when I’m alone with my deep thoughts. Never mind I’m old enough to be his… cousin. There’s something about his voice, something inexplicable about him that makes me hear him say sexy words in my head.

In real life he might utter some such, “Didya watch the latest “Walking Dead” season yet?” But in my head he’s screaming, “No, please, I’m too small for you to do thiiiiiiiiisss!” Or “I didn’t really like “Penny Dreadful” this year, just so you know.” But in my head he’s all, “…But how did you grow so taaaall!?” Did I also mention I don’t even know his first name? It doesn’t matter. If he dragged me into the Family Video bathroom some imaginary night, I’d happily let him. And then I would tell him I’d like him to tell me how tiny he is. Describe in full detail while he gets busy. That would NEVER get awkward.

Legends of Tomorrow

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The best Atom

I never liked Christopher Reeve’s Superman, but it was much better than any other Superman that had ever been translated into screen. When Brandon Routh made his appearance in the role, I thanked the Lords of Kobol. Now that man is my cup of tea. His face is the kind of face I’ve been fantasizing with since I was a wee lass. I don’t remember that movie very well, but he fixed the franchise for me.

I had no idea he was in Legends of Tomorrow until I started watching it. I gave the series a chance despite the fact that I have never watched Arrow, and tried to watch The Flash and only got through the first disc (with tears of boredom). I also had no clue there was a shrinking character in it. Boy, imagine my surprise when I see Brandon Routh as Ray Palmer, becoming incredibly small.

I don’t care how campy the series is, or how ridiculous the dialogue, or cliche the storyline. Watching Atom shrink small enough to enter a woman’s bloodstream gave me the most serious lady wood I have had in a long time. I’m going to keep watching the series, but please tell no one the reason. I actually find it entertaining, but keep that to yourself as well.